I’d love to sit here and write about roses and daisies and so much happiness in this world, but I can’t, because I haven’t had that (or that’s just how I’ve felt) for the most part of my life.

I can’t say I haven’t had the basics in life because then I’d be lying. There hasn’t been a moment where I lacked food, clothing, tuition et al and for that, I am very grateful. But that doesn’t mean I live a happy life. I feel guilty for the most part because sometimes I think I’m being unappreciative of all that I have had and the endless blessings I continue to receive. Then again, some truths just have to be said.

I cannot remember a time where I said ‘I was fine‘ and actually meant it. Of recent, someone asked me what was was wrong because like most times I had ‘shut down‘. I miserably answered, “I am a broken child“. This person laughed it off like it was a joke, like I was just being sarcastic (which is what I am 80% of the time) and yet I meant it in every sense. I have never felt like I belong anywhere, especially in my own family, which is what has created a very big void in my life that I desperately seek to fill every single day. It breaks my heart to see anyone unhappy and I am always trying to just fix things for everyone. I’m the kind of person that would go out of my way at any time to make life easier for anyone that needs it. (I’m not perfect though, I also have my flaws).

There are so many people around me and yet I still feel so alone in all of this. I can’t say I know what self-love is, because I don’t. I have never appreciated what I see in the mirror, much as I try. Some days, I can’t even look in the mirror at all because there’s nothing to see. I don’t feel like I am worth so much or deserving of anything, ( not even good friends). I feel like I don’t deserve any attention, which is why I always push it away when it comes. But deep down, there’s a part of me that just craves it, and yet I don’t know what to do with it when it’s there. I feel like a burden to the people around me, I am a burden. I have cried myself to sleep countless times, and wake up to the same tears in the morning. I have had to excuse myself from social gatherings so many times just so I could cry in public bathrooms simply because I couldn’t hold my tears back. I can’t control the rate at which I cry and yet there’s no particular reason for these tears. Am I being dramatic? I don’t know, that’s just how I feel.

I have however learned to hide all this in sarcasm, and so much laughter. I laugh at almost everything just so I can hold the tears back. I look like the happiest person in the room and yet my soul is crying for help, for someone to just see beyond the laughter and save me from the voices in my head.

Mid this year, I opened up to someone about most of it. That was the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life. I cried through each and every word as I forced the words to come out of my mouth. Not that this person had all the answers but she was exactly what I needed at that point. She listened. She neither tried to fix me nor come up with intelligent solutions, she just sat there and listened. No one had ever done that for me for as long as I could remember. It seems like a small thing to do but at that moment, that was everything for me.

We tend to think we know the people around us, but do we really? The loudest and most cheerful person we know could be the saddest individual ever. We need to stop thinking about ourselves alone for a moment and just look around us. Have we created that ambiance for people to be able to talk to us? So many people are dying to open up about what keeps them up at night, all they need is a listening ear. It really is as simple as asking someone how they are doing, and mean it. If someone does not seem fine, please insist and be there because someday they’ll build up enough courage to talk. And when they do, please listen. We always wait for the extremes to happen and then pretend to not have seen the signs yet they were in our faces the whole time. It’s okay to not know what to do, sometimes just being there is enough. Check up on your people!

For anyone that is not okay, you are not alone. Lonely as it seems, You are not alone. I know how unbelievable that statement can be sometimes (trust me) but you need to believe it. You are not okay, and that is okay. Cry as much as you want to because sometimes it’s all the therapy you need. Opening up is hard, and painful at times. I cannot even pretend to not know that. It took me years to just say some things to another person except myself and there are still things I don’t talk about. But you need to let someone in on all this. It might not take away the pain or your ugly thoughts but it makes a difference. Your life matters so much, and most importantly you are always more than enough!

Story by Anonymous Contributor

Every Friday, we share and talk about depression among young people! Share your story with us via [email protected]